SAT作文修改實例
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.
In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.
- Walter Cronkite
Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that its necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).
習作修改
學生習作(第一段)
語言修改
People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.
Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.
本段評點
許多學生過多地使用了therefore和thus. 這樣的詞是用來得出結論的。很多人只看有利的一面而忽視不利的一面這句話中用而或者并且連接兩個分句，而不可以使用 therefore, thus, as a result 等表達。這樣導致問題這兩個方面的邏輯關系混亂，其實并不是因為人們只看有利面而導致忽視不利一面這個結果。
學生習作(第二段)
語言修改
My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.
My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago.
本段評點
文章這個例子的敘述過于細節化，顯得有些瑣碎，這也導致這個例子用了三段來敘述，占了大量的篇幅和寫作時間，使得作者可能無法再寫個例子。另外，這段中的句式也缺少變化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一個謂語這樣的結構。
學生習作(第三段)
語言修改
Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.
Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.
本段評點
這段第一句提到在我們做決定之前確實調查了搬遷后可能面臨的困難，這與第一段的論點出現了一些抵觸。第一段說作者是想用自己親身的這個例子說明做決定不應該忽視消極的一面，而這里作者又說并未忽視呀!這使得這個例子不那么有說服力了。
學生習作(第四段)
語言修改
However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.
However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.
本段評點
這個簡單的故事其實用一段話就全部寫完了，不用分成三段。它作為一篇文章中幾個例子中的一個是可以的，但是如果作為唯一的例子，難以全面深刻地探討作文的題目。從而導致讀者感覺文章的論證不充分，那么論點也就不堪一擊了。
其次，這段作者說從農村搬到城市后覺得城市disaster的原因是空氣污染和晚上睡不好覺。把空氣污染作為理由是可以接受的，但說城市喧囂每天晚上睡不好覺也有點牽強，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜總會，否則應該沒那么嚴重。
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.
In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.
- Walter Cronkite
Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that its necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).
習作修改
學生習作(第一段)
語言修改
People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.
Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.
本段評點
許多學生過多地使用了therefore和thus. 這樣的詞是用來得出結論的。很多人只看有利的一面而忽視不利的一面這句話中用而或者并且連接兩個分句，而不可以使用 therefore, thus, as a result 等表達。這樣導致問題這兩個方面的邏輯關系混亂，其實并不是因為人們只看有利面而導致忽視不利一面這個結果。
學生習作(第二段)
語言修改
My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.
My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago.
本段評點
文章這個例子的敘述過于細節化，顯得有些瑣碎，這也導致這個例子用了三段來敘述，占了大量的篇幅和寫作時間，使得作者可能無法再寫個例子。另外，這段中的句式也缺少變化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一個謂語這樣的結構。
學生習作(第三段)
語言修改
Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.
Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.
本段評點
這段第一句提到在我們做決定之前確實調查了搬遷后可能面臨的困難，這與第一段的論點出現了一些抵觸。第一段說作者是想用自己親身的這個例子說明做決定不應該忽視消極的一面，而這里作者又說并未忽視呀!這使得這個例子不那么有說服力了。
學生習作(第四段)
語言修改
However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.
However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.
本段評點
這個簡單的故事其實用一段話就全部寫完了，不用分成三段。它作為一篇文章中幾個例子中的一個是可以的，但是如果作為唯一的例子，難以全面深刻地探討作文的題目。從而導致讀者感覺文章的論證不充分，那么論點也就不堪一擊了。
其次，這段作者說從農村搬到城市后覺得城市disaster的原因是空氣污染和晚上睡不好覺。把空氣污染作為理由是可以接受的，但說城市喧囂每天晚上睡不好覺也有點牽強，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜總會，否則應該沒那么嚴重。
